I Thought I Wanted the Vaccine

“I was tired, like so many millions of people, of being afraid of getting sick, or worse.”

Idaho announced, in late January, that vaccine availability would be open to those 65 and older, my cohort, on Monday February 1st, and I was thrilled. Immediately I began collecting information on locations and sign-up protocols. The communication from the county listed pages of places where, should they receive an allocation, “shots would be put in arms”, and links to sign up for an appointment. For the few that allowed early sign up, I jumped through their virtual hoops; others I bookmarked so I could readily access them at 8AM Monday morning.

I told myself I was going to secure a spot that first week. I told others. I was upbeat and optimistic, wise in the ways of those who believe that “wishing makes things true.” I, of course, have a whole host of life experiences that disprove that reality, but I wanted this to be true and so I believed it would be.

At 8AM sharp I was opening browsers, and tabs, clicking through the questionnaires. By 8:01 it was clear that the other 269,999 people in my age group may also have been watching the news. By 8:30, I was undone. I think I managed to get an appointment in March, but I have yet to be able to confirm it. A friend said it was like The Hunger Games out there. I never saw that movie, but it had a certain ring of truth to it.

Then, I did what I often do when I unravel, at least during the daytime hours. I put on my coat, called my dog and we headed out into the snowy cold for a hike. “Why,” I asked myself, “did I feel so angry and frustrated and sad?” I have my health and resources to live, I am surrounded by the most beautiful mountain range imaginable, my family is healthy, so are my friends. What hubris to be upset to have to wait for a vaccination so many need so much more than me.

And then, there it was, just ahead of me on the trail - the answer. What I wanted so badly was what the shot had come to represent to me – a release from worry, from the lockdown life, from the botched response of the government, from the waiting and wanting. I wanted it so badly because I was tired, like so many millions of people, of being afraid of getting sick, or worse. I was tired of being careful, of being separated from my family and friends, of the flat world of zoom, of not being able to go anywhere….all of it.

Getting the shot, I realized on that snowy trail, could not deliver that magic. The fact is that even after the vaccine, the virus will remain, it’s efficacy not perfect, new variants arrive. The talking points emerging now tell us that the vaccine may not prevent us from getting sick, but it just might prevent us from dying - cold comfort indeed.

Returning home, I knew that what I needed to do is what I have been trying to do all along, live within this new reality; find peace and joy and comfort in those I love and, as Mary Oliver says, in “this one wild and precious life”.